Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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