If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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