Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
