just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
