ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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