Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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