Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
