Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
