The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
