im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
