Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
