cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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