The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
