K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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