wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
