i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
