Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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