Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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