Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
