Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
