make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
