Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
this hospital has no fireball
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
