the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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