I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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