worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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