why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
