There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
