Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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