I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize