The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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