I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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