I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Randomize
