i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
