You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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