I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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