Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
