There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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