Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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