Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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