He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
