youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
