i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
