My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b