Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
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I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.