he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol