fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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