please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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