All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
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She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
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I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I forget how to act sober
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