Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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