My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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