last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
He better not be in your backpack
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Randomize
