so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
