Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
