I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I could fuck to npr.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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