My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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