he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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