I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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