Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Randomize
