I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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