1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
