TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
